Healing Line

Healing Line

The Sacrifice of Knowing

by Barbara Newman
Winter 1999

About 20 years ago, I was sitting at our kitchen table listening to the questioning, mixed with pleading, of Ian, my young son. He had been invited to play at a neighbor's house a block away. I told him no. He was usually contented at home, and this display of persistence was unusual. He was just about to give up and leave the room, when his sister saw his disappointment and felt she had to assist with all the power that an older sister could. Heather was Wee a defense lawyer, even bargaining: "Mommy, you won't have to walk him over, I will."

Their "But why nots" finally subsided, and Ian went outside in our yard to play. I knew why his older sister stayed. She wanted an explanation for my refusal.

"Honey," I said, "I love to see you having a good time. I said no, not because I don't want you to have fun, but because I have a reason." She gave me a blank stare. "I know some things about this family that make me uncomfortable for your safety, but their kids are welcome to play at our house."

She stood quietly reflective for a moment, contemplating my explanation. I smiled and waited for her reply.

"Ooooh, I understand." She went outside, and I wasn't the meanie she had thought.

I was still smiling as I shook my head thinking, "Why is there always a hassle? I would be so pleased if they would just trust that my decisions are for their best.

They know I love them. Why can't they just trust me? But no, every time I. .. "

And then I felt something and heard a thought I know was the gentle nudging of the Lord: "That's exactly what I desire, Barbara. Now you have an insight into a little of what I hear."

I began to see flashes of myself in past situations. "You say you love Me and want My guidance in your life, but when your prayers aren't answered the way you prayed or in your time, you start questioning, arguing, and pouting, and sometimes you even stop talking to Me just Wee your children. If l told you My reasons that some of your prayers weren't answered, you wouldn't be contented in My love alone, but would be depending upon your own understanding and approval — just Wee your daughter."

It was true. I had prayed for a precious young Christian to recover from an illness, and she died. I prayed for divine intervention for a couple, and they divorced. I prayed for our struggling business so we wouldn't lose our home, and we lost both! I am allergic to pain and discomfort, and I exhibit bad reactions. When my prayers failed, I'd try to figure out why — the "But why nots." Was it lack of faith? Did I have some unconfessed sin or unforgiveness in my life? What about the other people for whom I had prayed? I had even named it, claimed it and rebuked satan!

I heard that God doesn't have any grandchildren. Each of us enters His kingdom with childlike dependence on Him. Even God's Son prayed, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Thine be done .. .In His anguish He prayed more earnestly and His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down on the ground" (Luke 22:42,44).

Gradually, I realized the pleasure I had missed giving to the Lord, being content to trust. What an offering I was able to place on His altar: MY SACRIFICE OF KNOWING.

In response to the Lord's lesson to me I prayed, "I thank you, Father, for your constant grace when I don't understand, and I will trust that Your love knows best for me in every part of my life."

I heard Him reply, "It isn't easy saying no. I love you, Barbara. Now, go out and play."


Barbara Newman is the Bookstore Manager at CHM

Winter 1999 Issue