Good Grief

by Judith MacNutt
2024 Vol. 03

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).

Many times, as I am out among people, the Lord says two words to me:  Pay attention. On one occasion, I was in a hotel where I was to speak, and I noticed a hotel employee who was putting out breakfast for our group. The room was full of people and very busy. I was eating and studying my notes at the same time, but one by one the crowd thinned out and the two of us were left in the room.

The Lord again said, Pay attention. 

I caught the women’s attention and expressed how nice the meal was and thanked her for all her preparations. I don’t know how the conversation changed, but within a couple minutes she was crying. She said, “My daughter died two weeks ago, and she was my only child. My daughter had graduated from high school and the family was preparing for the graduation party. We had cake and balloons, and her friends were arriving. She was driving home in her graduation present, a new car, and as she turned into our driveway, a drunk driver hit and killed her right in front of our home.”

My heart just sank, and I said, “Can I pray with you?”

So we prayed. 

This mother had to take all the balloons down and plan a funeral. She never got to say goodbye to her daughter. She experienced a tremendous level of pain and hurt. Fortunately, she was able to come to my counseling practice later and we talked a lot about time of remembrance. In the Jewish culture, for example, there are rituals of remembrance at intervals, including a 7-day mourning period (Shiva), and others at 30 days, and yearly.

This is her recollection of how she viewed her recent grief.

She said, “The friends and family came; the casseroles, the pies and cookies, they all came. And then they were gone. After a while, it felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk about it anymore. If I got teary-eyed or had a memory of my daughter, even my friends were very uncomfortable.”It is so sad that we are uncomfortable with grief. Pain is a difficult subject. We are not to take on another’s pain and sorrow, but we need the freedom to help others by being present with them and to listen to their memories. 

Jesus knew deep sorrow. There is a tender image of Jesus as He wept over Jerusalem. There was such longing in His words: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!” (Matthew 23:37).

He wanted to bring together the people of Israel, to set them in the love of the Father and to forgive their sins, but they did not respond. He knew He would soon suffer the same fate as the prophets of old, and He wept over the city (Luke 19:41).

Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus. He cried because He loved his friend Lazarus, and the sisters, Mary and Martha. And He saw all the people weeping. It is extremely difficult to watch someone cry without starting to cry yourself. Jesus was filled with love and empathy. 

It is my belief that Jesus also wept because they still didn’t truly understand who He was and what this meant (John 11).

It is possible to be shaped by grief even from childhood, fear, grief and sorrow can exist even in the womb. (See Praying for Your Unborn Child, by Francis and Judith MacNutt). While my mother was pregnant with me, she lost three family members to death – her mother, her father and one brother. Years later, when I was an adult, I received prayer from one of our gifted prayer ministers. She was part of our group of therapists who met together in Clearwater, FL. Barbara had a special anointing. She heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, and she prayed over me with words of knowledge and wisdom.

She said, “I see in the spirit a dark cloud over your head, like the Peanut’s cartoon character, Pigpen. I think it is a shadow of grief, but it’s not “yours.” 

In that prayer, the Holy Spirit touched the effects of my mother’s grief which I had unknowingly carried from the time I was born. We have learned that sometimes the sorrow and grief carried through the generations may have passed to us.

The cloud lifted off my spirit that day, and I actually burst out in laughter. That supernatural joy has been with me ever since! 

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, your Father, believe also in me (John 14:1). Jesus said this to his apostles, to prepare them for His departure and for the grief and pain that would follow.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will act (Psalm 37:5).

When a difficult or traumatic event happens, our first response is fear. If a child breaks away from us and runs out in the street, we scream in fear and run to save the child. Then we may respond in anger: Why did you do that? The third response may be delayed: How would I have lived with myself if this tragedy happened? And we imagine our grief. 

Jesus was acquainted with grief and sorrow (Isaiah 53:3). He knew what grief felt like, and He knew how to move through it to a place of peace. Grief must be processed.

We may have to walk through other strong emotions first. I cried when my dog died. I cried when my mother died, when my father died, and when friends died. But when my husband died, I found a depth of emotion I didn’t know I had. Jesus wants to comfort us in our loss. Weeping and deep emotion are part of that, even wailing. We may have to walk through our fear and anger first.

It is appropriate to mention, however, that something called complicated grief may set in if our sadness and sorrow continue for years on end. It means we have been unable to move to a place of remembrance. God’s loving purpose in grief is to cleanse and soften the heart, bringing us to a place of peace in God’s comfort.

We must rest in the arms of Jesus. Let yourself surrender to Him in your pain. We don’t know all the answers, but we know the One in whom we trust. 

Lord, I pray that You pour out a gift of faith on each of us, so we can step from the place of grief into a new place of peace with You. Holy Spirit, we ask You to bring deep healing into those places where we have been broken or shattered by loss. Lord, help us trust You, and to enter into Your joy, Your peace and Your great love for us.

Judith MacNutt is a licensed psychotherapist, author, teacher, conference speaker, co–founder and president of CHM.